CLOSURE FROM A NARCISSIST...NEVER!

For a victim to recover from narcissist abuse, she or he must be ready and willing to give up the need for closure because it is never going to happen. When we receive the inevitable Discard (after an eternity of being Devalued), it is often our longing for closure that keeps us hanging in the queue and incapable of moving forward even though the narcissist is long gone.


As a victim, we become so accustomed to living with uncomfortable feelings and anxiety that we’re willing to endure for however long it takes to get the ending that we think we want. But the ending never comes. For everything we did for the narcissist and for all the tears we cried, we’re left with nothing. For all the months and years that we wasted, we naturally (and rightfully!) want some type of closure (no matter what it is) we’ll even make ourselves crazier than we already are trying to devise a way to make it happen!


There is something deeply ingrained in all of us that requires us to have closure. We need it when we leave our job, experience a death, if we fight with our best friend, and especially if we loved someone and the relationship ended. Closure may be a healthy conversation as to why we acted the way we did, or it can provide us answers about the reasons for the bad behavior. It offers us insight as to what went wrong so that we can learn from our mistakes.


After my divorce, I fell madly in love with a man, but the relationship ended in utter heartbreak. One day we were having brunch, sipping mimosas, and literally the next day we broke up because I found out about his infidelities. I needed to know why, when, how, how often—I needed answers to help me figure out where I went wrong. I requested a meeting with him once the f-you emails and texts died down (yeah, I can get a wee bit angry), and he agreed to a meeting.


I expected him to say sorry, to explain the root of why he did what he did and to shed light on why he didn’t love me the way I thought. But all I really got from our meeting was a few blank stares on his part, and very little explanation. He said something like, "Lindsey, it is what it is. I'm not sure why I did it."


I left our meeting with more questions than answers, just feeling numb from the lack of information.


So how did I get closure from this very hurtful event in my life? It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it probably took me a year. But through empowering myself with knowledge from other experts, I learned this:


I had to forgive him. This meant writing a letter to him that I never sent, in which I told him that I forgave him.
His actions didn't define who I was, but who he is.
Our relationship provided me with a valuable lesson of what not to do. And you know what? I never dated that kind of person again.
Wanting closure gave him all the power to my feelings. Instead, I accepted the fact that I won't get closure, and for some weird reason, that gave me closure.


If you still need closure from a narcissist in your life, think about why you need it. Then, journal exactly what you want him to say to you, as if he were sitting in front of you. As you write it all down, you may discover that you are giving him VIP access to your heart, your feelings and your mental clarity. Why does he deserve such admittance? He doesn't!


Now start focusing on all the amazing things in your life. Be grateful for today’s great gifts and not mindful of yesterday's mishaps!

Human Closure Versus Narcissistic Closure

When we end a relationship with a narcissist – it can be a terrible and painful experience to realize there is no closure.

There is no “I’m sorry, I treated you terribly”, there is the absence of “I realize that if I had done things differently we could have worked”, or “The way I treated you was disgraceful”. Often, horrifically, there is no explanation for the cruel ability to abuse and manipulate you, and then discard, abandon and move on as if you never existed.

Most narcissistic abuse sufferers struggle terribly with this – and experience the anguished feelings of “What did I REALLY mean to him or her?”

These feelings of non-closure can create a powerful hook, whereby you feel like you arewaiting for some sense of closure. You may feel like you deserve an apology, some sort of explanation, or even some evidence that the narcissist’s life is miserable now that you’re not in it.

From where you’re sitting, it feels like none of this exists, and it may even feel like you’re stuck and you can’t move on without this closure. How do you get on with your life when you can’t have closure?

Additionally, you gave so much of yourself, and to what avail? Not to mention the horrific loses that you experienced along the way. And the narcissist has skipped off into the horizon, continuing life as normal without even skipping a beat. Where is the justice?!

Insult is added to injury when you start experiencing: the more you want closure from the narcissist, the less you get it…

For many people, after suffering a narcissistically abusing relationship, it feels like you have been punished, that life has dealt you a terrible blow – and you are desperate for some form of closure…

You may call, text or write letters to the narcissist, venting your feelings, fishing for answers, trying to coerce him or her to respond like a normal human being, force some accountability, and you may spew forth your pain to try to activate some sort of guilt.

However, no matter what you try, it doesn’t work; leaving you even more desperate for closure.

It’s a horrible, vicious cycle.

Human Closure Versus Narcissistic Closure

Closure may be possible if you were dealing with a normal human being, because the fundaments of normal human interaction are about having a conscience, and possessing the ability to consider other people’s feelings.

There are relationship endings that do exist whereby one or both parties has genuine concern in regard to creating closure, decency and respect when going separate ways.

This, however, is not the narcissistic reality.

Do you believe ‘everything happens for reason’?

I do, and I have found that this acceptance is one of the biggest keys in recovering from narcissistic abuse. I’m coming up to that part soon…

As you well know by now, the narcissist does not have this functionality – and no matter how much you would like him or her to grant you something, anything to help you gain closure – the narcissist has no perception, or desire to do that.

In fact your trying to gain closure keeps offering the narcissist A Grade Narcissistic Supply. It supplies attention, and the ability for the narcissist to feel incredibly important that you are so affected by what he or she has done.

Let’s face it, in the midst of narcissist abuse you met head on with lack of accountability, zero conscience and a total lack consideration for your feelings. If you didn’t receive decencies then, why would you now? Nothing has changed…

I know that we all have had the hope that somewhere, somehow the narcissist will get it…genuinely get it…and that this would mean, one day after breaking up, you would receive sanity, ownership, signs of regret and remorse…

In fact you may have seen these things before, but you know it doesn’t hold, and therefore these feelings are not genuinely felt or owned by the narcissist, and certainly are not, and will not be applied in his or her life, or dealings with you.

True Closure

Now I’m going to get to the ‘everything happens for a reason’ part. And this is crucially important because if we don’t believe everything happens for a reason, then we remain a victim.

Being a victim creates powerlessness.

Why? Because we are choosing to believe that life is non-sensical, random and cruel, and we are powerless in a threatening version of life. In fact we feel so powerless that we have to wait for external situations to fix the way we feel about life and ourselves.

This is incredibly fragile, precarious and dependent on things and people that we have no control over, simply because anything outside of our ‘self’ cannot be controlled.
The only control we ever have is with ourself.

There is no denying that narcissistic abuse is one of the most (if not the most) empowering opportunities (via total emotional devastation) to get aligned with your essential Life Truth that will set you free in every area of your life, and not just within relationships.

This truth is: The Creation Of Your Life Is Never Dependent On What Someone Else Is Or Isn’t Doing.

Through the experience of narcissistic abuse you were pulled out of your own power, and your entire feelings of Survival, Security and Identity became what the narcissist was or wasn’t doing.

This created your state of already existing codependency to be highlighted significantly, and allowed you to be abused.

When we recover from narcissistic abuse truly all of the illusions that something or someone outside of us is responsible for our state of self are released – because at True Self level anything or anyone else is ABSOLUTELY NOT responsible for us.

Your True Closure is this:

• What happened was meant to be for very important reasons.
• You hadn’t previously realized that your own lack of self-worth, self-love and poor boundary function attracted, allowed and enabled this to happen.
• Without this experience you would never have been able to clean up what you needed to in order to become empowered.
• You absolutely do have the resources within yourself and available in life to do this essential work on yourself.
• You can now become dedicated to yourself in order to create the life that is truly aligned with what you want, and
• This needed to happen, in order for you to create that alignment.

From where you are right now, this may seem to be a Quantum Leap – and I promise you, I’ve been there, I know what that feels like.

I can totally assure you, however, that when you do the right work on yourself, which is about claiming and healing your unhealed parts, that you will be grateful – incredibly grateful. Because you will know that your narcissistic abuse situation was in fact a co-created dance of divinity that allowed you finally to come home to yourself.

You will also know that there are no victims and no villains, and that you soul is always creating perfectly the circumstances and situation necessary for you to heal and become aligned with Who You Really Are. There are NO mistakes…

By accepting and knowing all of this you will be free to move forward and create…

and you will 100% know…

No-One Owes You Anything! It’s Not Their Job!

You owe YOU everything, and when you get THAT Right, you will effortlessly attract those people that add more of the same, and no longer play, struggle and obsess with those that don’t and can’t.

http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/there-is-no-closure-with-narcissists/

The "Poor" Narcissist!

Ever notice how the narcissist can become the instant victim? I used to have a relative who could say anything, accuse of anything, or criticize anything. But if you dared to challenge, you would become the aggressor and she would be the victim.

Some people have trouble seeing the truth about the narcissist when the narcissist presents as a victim. It’s a popular way for the narcissist to deceive others. It covers their own cruelty, changes the focus from them and their behavior to you. Because they have no trouble lying, narcissists can quickly shift to acting hurt and abused, no matter what they have just done to you.

Also, the victim gets a lot of attention, sympathy. Of course the narcissist wants that attention. Perhaps you have seen a child fall down, then look to see if anyone was watching. If no one was watching, the child might just keep playing. If someone saw, however, the crying starts. We understand from early ages that those who are hurt can get attention.

Some narcissists are professional victims. Nothing ever goes right for them. No one is ever nice enough or helpful enough. Always in financial trouble. Always having health problems. Always fighting a losing battle with someone. Even those who get used by the victim narcissist still feel sorry for them in some way.

You see, it works. Most of us were taught to care for others. We have empathy. We see the pain of others and believe it and want to help. So we let ourselves be used. And we excuse the users.

I read once of a real serial killer who would get crutches and carry groceries to his car parked far on the edge of the parking lot. He looked so pitiful that people would offer to help him. When it was some young lady who offered to carry his groceries, he would let her help him all the way to the car, then club her to unconsciousness using the crutch.

Maybe your narcissist wasn’t that terrible, but most of us can understand the story. One of the narcissists I had to deal with became the victim the moment I suggested that I didn’t need his help. Now you know how “helpful” a narcissist can be. He wanted an opportunity to look good at my expense. When I didn’t allow that, he turned on me and became my enemy, all while presenting himself as the victim to others.

The narcissist spouse is always the victim in the divorce. The narcissist boss is always the victim when charged with some workplace cruelty. The narcissist mother is always the victim when confronted with her own actions. The narcissist church leader is always the victim when the people begin to say no. It’s one of the more effective tools in the narcissist’s toolbox.

In the meantime, the real victims are often ignored. The pooooor narcissist cries so loudly that everyone must pay attention. The real victim is holding in the fear and pain, often too confused to explain what has been happening.

How do you win against the "poor" narcissist? Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you just have to go on to protect yourself and let others find out the truth for themselves. Narcissists usually win at their games because they know how to manipulate others and are ruthless in doing so. Very few of us can play at their level. Maybe the best you can do is say it out loud, “Pooooor so-and-so!” Hearing it that way seems to help your mind understand what your heart already knows. Just be careful who hears you.

Sadly, we all have to learn to ask more questions and be a little more skeptical, especially when we first hear the story of a victim. Remember that there are two or more sides in any conflict. Sometimes the one who cries the loudest is the one who is really to blame.

Narcissist – Get off the road, stupid idiot! That guy drives just like your brother!

You – Why do you say such mean things? It isn’t like you are a perfect driver.

Narcissist  – What complaint do you have with my driving? You are always criticizing me. I have to be perfect before I can say anything anymore.

*Then, when you get home:

Narcissist  – Well, you can breathe now. I didn’t say anything mean and we got home without an accident. If you still think you can handle such a mean person, you should probably drive tonight when we go out. That way you can feel safe. Maybe I can sit back and criticize your driving.

Source: Grace for My Heart

10 Signs for Spotting a Sociopath

10 signs for spotting a sociopath 

 #1) Sociopaths are charming. Sociopaths have high charisma and tend to attract a following just because people want to be around them. They have a "glow" about them that attracts people who typically seek guidance or direction. They often appear to be sexy or have a strong sexual attraction. Not all sexy people are sociopaths, obviously, but watch out for over-the-top sexual appetites and weird fetishes.

 #2) Sociopaths are more spontaneous and intense than other people. They tend to do bizarre, sometimes erratic things that most regular people wouldn't do. They are unbound by normal social contracts. Their behavior often seems irrational or extremely risky.

 #3) Sociopaths are incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse. Their brains simply lack the circuitry to process such emotions. This allows them to betray people, threaten people or harm people without giving it a second thought. They pursue any action that serves their own self interest even if it seriously harms others. This is why you will find many very "successful" sociopaths in high levels of government, in any nation.

 #4) Sociopaths invent outrageous lies about their experiences. They wildly exaggerate things to the point of absurdity, but when they describe it to you in a storytelling format, for some reason it sounds believable at the time.

 #5) Sociopaths seek to dominate others and "win" at all costs. They hate to lose any argument or fight and will viciously defend their web of lies, even to the point of logical absurdity.

 #6) Sociopaths tend to be highly intelligent, but they use their brainpower to deceive others rather than empower them. Their high IQs often makes them dangerous. This is why many of the best-known serial killers who successfully evaded law enforcement were sociopaths.

 #7) Sociopaths are incapable of love and are entirely self-serving. They may feign love or compassion in order to get what they want, but they don't actually FEEL love in the way that you or I do. #8) Sociopaths speak poetically. They are master wordsmiths, able to deliver a running "stream of consciousness" monologue that is both intriguing and hypnotic. They are expert storytellers and even poets. As a great example of this in action, watch this interview of Charles Manson on YouTube. #9) Sociopaths never apologize. They are never wrong. They never feel guilt. They can never apologize. Even if shown proof that they were wrong, they will refuse to apologize and instead go on the attack. 

#10) Sociopaths are delusional and literally believe that what they say becomes truth merely because they say it!

Narcissist and The Hell You'll Live in if You Love One!

– Narcissistic people usually have weird sexual hangups or addictions and rarely are they faithful. They have secret crushes, affairs, use pornography, have “Cyber” affairs, and generally are always on the prowl for the rush of new love. 

– After the initial “hooking you” idealization stage when they are wooing you with their generosity by taking you for dinners, buying you gifts and flowers they become downright stingy, buying things for themselves and ignoring your birthday, anniversaries, Christmas and Valentines. They will give you Valentine chocolates they bought on sale Feb 18th and eat 1/2 of them before presenting them to you as if they have done something wonderful. They will tell you that you do not deserve gifts because you haven’t earned them and tell you what they would have gotten you if you behaved better.

– The narcissist appears to be very resilient, bouncing back from relationships with insulting speed, whether it is a lost relationship, job or place to live the narcissist seems far less affected than anyone else; which he is. He easily adapts to new situations and new relationships because his whole world is make-believe and he values nothing. If he loses something he just assumes he will get one better down the road from someone else. He never really loves any one so he has nothing invested in the relationship and can move on without a backwards glance. Because he is a facade and a fake and because he in incapable of love he easily finds another partner. He morphs into the man of any woman’s dreams until he secures her. In fact he needs the continued challenge to keep his ego inflated.

– If they are constantly starting fights about your spending habits it is more than likely a smoke screen they are using to hide their own spending from you.

– Often has one or several women on the hook should the present relationship end, also having two women in love with him keeps the narcissistic supply coming. I used to think JC purposely let me find out he was pursuing other women just to make me jealous, it fed his ego to know I was hurt over the fact he wanted someone else. He especially enjoys triangulation, pitting two or more women against each other., both of them blaming the other when in fact they should both be angry with the narcissist.

– He brushes his indiscretions under the carpet; and expects his partner to accept the blame for making him do whatever he did. To the point that the problem is NOT that he was unfaithful, it was his partners fault for snooping and discovering it. (but you will be raked over the coals for your slightest indiscretion over and over again)

– They are extremely sensitive to criticism, even the simplest complaint, such as taking their shoes off at the door is met with a barrage of all your faults and wrong doings, you end up defending yourself and he is ready to walk out the door.  If you confront him on his infidelity, porn addiction, disrespectful treatment etc he will become extremely defensive to the point of violence.

– He has no problem promising anything to get a desired reaction or something he wants, he simply denies saying it or finds a way to blame you for not living up to his promises. ie: Because of your behaviour he isn’t going to “reward” you.

– Very poor impulse control, acts without any thought to consequences and rarely learns from past experiences. 

– The narcissist does not have a conscience which means he demonstrates an extreme lack of compassion and shows no sensitivity towards the problems of their partner.. They will purposely act grossly unsupportive and uncooperative of loved ones in times of need or illness. Yet they expect their partner to totally support and cater to their every whim.

– They will flatter you, charm you and generally act like they “love” you if they think you have something they want or you can benefit them in some way.

– Because their whole life is a lie and fantasy when they meet a woman they change themselves to suit the woman, whatever the woman is into is what he is interested in, he will change his religious views, his taste in food, his interests, the way he dresses, right down to what liquor he drinks. 

– The narcissist will contradict himself, often in the same sentence. They will say something and literally 5 minutes later deny saying it and accuse you of being crazy.

– They hate to live alone and once you are living with them they will not leave unless they have another woman lined up and then they will drop you so fast your head is spinning.

– The narcissist refuses to apologize or when he does it is backwards apology where the person they hurt is somehow to blame for them hurting them.

If you've gotten this far, and these actions are relatable, please get out now. 

Life is too short!

Narcissists: When your partner is cold about your feelings. NO EMPATHY!

Empathy is the ability to identify with someone else’s feelings because we have felt that way ourselves.  It is, “I know the pain of loss because I, myself, have been bereft.”  It differs from sympathy in that one can be sympathetic not having known the feelings.  A nurse is sympathetic to a terminal patient.  She provides care, attention, and comfort, but she does not know what it feels like to be dying.  She does not need to know what that feels like in order to provide that care and comfort.

Narcissists do not feel empathy.

In fact, it is one of the most striking indicators of narcissism.

You cannot argue logic with a narcissist.  They cannot see beyond their own needs and desires.  In many cases, the narcissist’s need and desire is to see those around him downtrodden so that he can bask in his own feeling of superiority.  He will not and cannot respond to emotions.  Your tears will likely anger him.  If you must go head to head with your narcissistic partner, choose your battles wisely.  Lay firm boundaries that you are willing and able to enforce.  Do not expect him to win him over, because he will fight to the death to get his way.

Partners of narcissists often stay in the relationship believing that if they do stay, eventually their partner will “see the light” and will start acting appropriately, or things will go back to the way they had been in the beginning of the relationship, before the narcissist became bored.  One cannot fix a partner, particularly not a narcissist.  For someone to change their behavior, they themselves have to be able to recognize that there is something that needs changing.  

A narcissist will not admit that they are the problem, and so they will not change.  

They cannot change. They will not change.

What does often happen is the opposite.  A negative bond can form between the abuser and his victim wherein the victim begins to equate a lack of abuse as an act of kindness.  This type of behavior can sometimes be referred to as Stockholm Syndrome.  It involves a way of thinking called cognitive dissonance, in which the thinker lies to herself about the facts of the situation in order to settle the conflict that arises in her mind when the reality of a situation doesn’t match the way she wants it to be.  For example, the wife of a narcissist might tell herself that it was okay, and maybe even warranted, that her culinary abilities be insulted by her husband because, after all, she made linguine instead of angel hair, which she knows is his favorite.  .  

A narcissist will also project his own character flaws onto you.  

Another thing he would do is insist that I had lost my grip on reality.  I joke - now that he is long gone and there is no way he can hear me - that he would argue that the sky was green.  He would tell me I was naive and that I had faulty logic.  He would tell me that if I asked ten people on the street who was on the winning side of our argument, they would all choose his side, and anyone who didn’t was obviously as misguided as I was.  And he would argue about everything.  The thing was, I knew the “sky wasn’t green” and I knew people would choose my side every time, but I let him be right because it kept peace, and maybe he saw the sky as green.  Who was I to say he didn’t...

And projection can go both ways.  While our partners are berating us for whatever crime they have perceived we have committed, we are busy making excuses for them, trying to see it from their point of view, sympathizing with their pain, empathizing, always tiptoeing through eggshells devising ways to go around their sensitive areas. 

But it doesn’t matter.  Their whole surface is eggshells, so no matter where you walk, how gingerly you step, you will crack something.

Source:  FirstWivesWorld